The Steelers/Jets AFC Championship game had me fired up for 2 reasons. First, I wanted to see the Steelers whoop their fucking ass. The Jets talked all kinds of shit, even though they haven’t been to the Super Bowl in 42 years. But more importantly, I was excited to finally get to talk to some people that were like me and loved football. Since I moved to Philadelphia, I haven’t really been able to meet people. It’s almost like I made a deal with the devil to be successful in life such that I would be condemned to working in an office where there are only 3 people under the age of 30. As a result, I haven’t really met a lot of people my age, so as you can imagine it gets to be boring as fuck.
I got to the Fox and Hound, which is the Steelers bar in Philadelphia, at 3 pm, just in time to see the start of the Packers/Bears game. As far as I’m concerned, this was a matchup of who gets to get their ass beat by the Steelers in front of the largest television audience ever in Super Bowl XLV. The bar was pretty packed already with Steelers fans, but somehow I managed to find a single seat at the bar next to 3 girls. Now these 3 girls were “Packers” fans (I don’t know how many girls I really believe are hardcore football fans. I believe they just use it as a way to meet guys, and hey I’m not complaining), and the one girl insisted that I root for the Packers if I was going to sit there. I told her about how my mom’s boyfriend was from close to Green Bay, and I was by default rooting for the Packers. I was really hoping that these girls would be hotter, but what girls from Wisconsin are hot? Send me a picture if you ever find one.
As a result, I decided to start drinking heavily (what better plan when you are trying to kill time when surrounded by unattractive girls). So I started drinking Bud Light, when I realized that I don’t even like Bud Light, so I switched to Yuengling 24 oz cans. I get about 3 cans in when I hear the girl complaining that I’m not clapping when the Packers score. I respond that I don’t really want the Packers to win because I think they have a better chance of beating the Steelers than the Bears. She gets angry because she thinks I lied to her. Personally, I don’t give a shit because I’m having a good time drinking beer and watching shitty football.
Fast forward to the end of the game, when these girls are oblivious to what is going on in the game because they are talking to a guy that was interested in them (see my theory). I am starting to get pretty drunk and I realize that I need to slow down because I want to remember the ass whooping the Steelers put on the Jets. Out of nowhere, I hear people referencing bars in the South Side in Pittsburgh that I used to go to all the time when I lived there. Finally, something I can talk to someone about.
A group of about 4 guys and 4 girls from Pittsburgh are now standing behind me. We start talking about the game and all things Yinzer related, when the one of the guys gets the great idea to order up some Vegas bombs to celebrate the impending domination of the Jets. As you know, I am the master of Vegas bombs (see the Vegas bomb story from the Winter Classic). We all do our shots, and get ready to kick some ass.
I won’t bore you with the details of how we kicked the shit out of the Jets in the first half, but I will start the rest of the story from when there was about 5 minutes left in the game, and the Steelers somehow were only up 24-19. I’m talking to one of the guys from Pittsburgh about the game, when a girl taps me on the shoulder and asks me if she can get through to get a drink.
Now this is where my expertise kicks in. I will be the first to admit that I am terrible at starting conversation without having an “in”. I noticed this girl earlier, who was actually extremely hot to be in a sports bar, but she wasn’t really talking to anybody. So here was my in. I made fun of the Colorado Buffs shirt that she was wearing because A) who wears a Colorado Buffs shirt in Philadelphia B) they have nothing to do with anything going on that day in sports C) I like to make smart ass comments to hot girls to see if they will be smart asses back. This girl’s response was because I was just skiing in Colorado. Not really a smart ass comment, but I don’t care, my life is great right now with the Steelers about to go to the Super Bowl for the 8th time.
The girl then starts to go off about how she is from Cleveland and hates the Steelers, which was warning signal number one. Normally, this is around the time where I would start talking a lot of shit about how Cleveland is the fucking worst place on earth, and that I hate everything about it, but for some reason I changed my mind. I gave the backhanded compliment of what is it like to be surrounded by winners. She actually thought it was funny, and told me to go fuck myself. I thought this was the end of the line, but then she says that at least she is a diehard Browns fan, unlike 90% of the people in the bar who probably just became Steeler fans last week.
I like girls that have a little bit of feistiness in them, so now I was intrigued. I then told her my theory that if you put Black and Yellow continuously as your Facebook status, or if you have a Troy Polamalu jersey that’s less than 2 years old, then you are a bandwagoner. She laughed, but I couldn’t let her have the upper hand, so I said that at least we don’t have a white running back like the Browns.
Now most girls would be like, “Uhh, white running back. Didn’t know that.” What was this girl’s response, “How many people can say their starting running back backed up Darren McFadden and Felix Jones at Arkansas and rushed for 1100 yards in a season?”
Right there I fell in love. This girl knew more about football than 99% of the people in the world, and by the grace of God happened to be somehow talking to me that is in the top .1 percentile of football knowledge.
We continued to talk, making jokes about how Braylon dropped a ton of passes for the Browns, but when he was at Michigan (my alma mater) he dominated Penn State (her alma mater). Everything was going great, right down to her mocking Black and Yellow with Green and White, to which I came back with no one from Cleveland is smart enough to know how to rap (I know Kid Cudi is from there).
It got to the point where I should either A) be hooking up with this girl, which was not likely because we were in a bar packed with people, while I was watching the Steelers game or B) Getting this girl’s number so that we could plan our wedding the next day.
Rewind now to the point where I have been drinking since 3, and that because I didn’t originally know anyone at the bar, I was on the phone with my friends from Pittsburgh all during the first game. Therefore, my phone died in the first quarter of the Steelers game. And this girl’s phone was also dead. She even gave me the perfect opportunity when it still had battery, because she was like look at all this fucked up stuff my dad is texting me about how much he hates the Steelers.
So after the game is over and we are getting ready to leave, I make another smart ass comment about how I wished the worst of luck to Cleveland and Penn State and she tells me that she fucking hates me (but in a loving way I swear). I walk out the door to go celebrate the victory in the streets.
Halfway down the street I realize that I could have easily gotten a pen and written down this girl’s fucking number. But did I do that, fuck no. I finally found a hot girl with no boyfriend that loved sports and I fucked it up. Sometimes my mind is so busy trying to think of the most complex things, that I overlook the blatantly obvious answers.
If you are a girl in the Philadelphia/New Jersey/Delaware area, own a Colorado Buffs shirt, and are from the Cleveland area, please call me because you are my dream girl and I let you go because I was too busy celebrating the Steelers win (God damn me for being so obsessed with the Steelers (I don’t really mean that)).